We chat to...
1. We once saw a pigeon peck up some sick…would you ever do that?
You mean Soup. Soup is f*cking delicious. I like all the soup flavours. It comes warm and cold. Yep.
Just yesterday I had carrot and pickle and bread and cider and cheese and beef soup off the pavement near Primark.
2. If people could throw any food at you other than bread, what would you like?
I like Biscuits. You're supposed to have brought me biscuits for doing this. I don't think you did though, did you? My favourite biscuits are local biscuits. If the biscuits are not local biscuits, they have often gone before I get there.
3. Clay pigeons…would you?
Would I attempt to shag one? This is like me asking you if you would shag a mannequin. Would you shag a mannequin? I wouldn't. Not even those Madame Tussauds mannequins because they are not real people either. I think the tourists think they are real, but then a lot of tourists are a bit stupid. They take photographs of telephone booths.
4. If you had opposable thumbs for one day, what would you do?
I would not want opposable thumbs. I would want agreeable thumbs. Yep. Having opposable thumbs would just be fucking thumb chaos. There was a story about a boy who had opposable thumbs and his got stuck in a plum pie. I think he died in the end. Thumbs can be lethal.
5. If you could substitute your wings for a pair of maracas for the day, what song would you play?
You're f*cking mental. I don't know what I'd play. It would sound terrible. Can you even play music on maracas? I don't think so. I'd probably end up playing a song that sounded like a pigeon who had forgotten he had his wings replaced with maracas and was trying to take off. It sounds proper f*cking dangerous. Please do not arrange this for me.
6. If you could invent an iPhone app, what would it be?
The Biscuits App. For biscuits. Yep. It would be an App where you press it and then you get biscuits. I'd like this please. It would have to be for free though...I wouldn't want to pay 69p for Biscuits, because then you could just spend 69p in a biscuits shop and have a whole packet of biscuits, possibly even chocolate ones.
7. What's the most expensive car you've pooed on?
I have shat on a Red car. I think they are the most expensive. It had a spoiler. I think it was a Fiat.
8. Are you sad you're not an eagle? They're really big and majestic.
Ever seen an eagle outside Chicken Cottage eating soup? I haven't. They don't have half the fun I have. And they sometimes come in bald. Yep. I'm not in bald. I am in grey.
9. Thoughts on that ARROGANT pigeon in Wacky Races?
He was a cartoon. Yep. Cartoons are just pictures or drawings. People say to me about being caught by Dick Dastardly and Muttley all the time but they were also just cartoon's, so I'm not worried really. Should I be worried? I hope I don't. Are you telling me to worry? I have seen a documentary where a woman gets pulled into a mirror by a man with a mullett and she turns into a cartoon. Yep. This is why I sh*t on people with mulletts, so they don't turn me into a cartoon. If I got turned into a cartoon I'd be f*cking livid.
10. Do you have all your toes? Every pigeon we've seen tends to have a few missing. Some even have STUMPS.
You're clearly hanging around near the disabled access areas for pigeons then. I have got all my toes. Even Feral Pete has got all his toes, and he's feral. And called Pete.
A simple advice lesson to People is do NOT sh*t on your own feet because you'll only regret it when you first have sh*tty feet and then your feet will fall off and then you'll have no feet.
Can I have my biscuits now?
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