Premier League predictions!
ANDY DAWSON (@profanityswan) predicts things that might, but almost certainly won't, happen in the Premiership this season!
AUGUST: Five under-18 players who have been released by West Ham over the summer try to follow a new career path by auditioning for The X Factor. The judges say that they look and sound great, but that their song, a self-penned effort called ‚ "What A F***ing W***er That Sam Allardyce F***ing Is"‚ 'inappropriate'.
SEPTEMBER: Following the success of the movie Ted, some of the country's more financially-stricken clubs look into the idea of promoting their mascots to run the first team instead of traditional managers. Blackburn boss Steve Kean likes the idea and says he'll be happy to dress up as a fried chicken drumstick if it means he gets to keep his job.
OCTOBER: Peter Cech has his special skull-protecting helmet banned by the Premier League after a secret recording made by a tabloid reveals the keeper confessing that he only wears the hat because it gives him "the raging horn".
NOVEMBER: Still smarting from his England snub, Harry Redknapp declares the lavish garden of his Hampshire home as a separate republic, and tries to recruit a squad of players to compete on the international stage. In their first match, a World Cup qualifier against Northern Ireland, the Redknapia team (as they are known) is made up of Harry's son Jamie and ten robots that Harry has made in his shed. They manage to sneak a 1-1 draw.
DECEMBER: Scandal in the Europa League when the competition's Group F is found to be fraudulent and made up of fictional teams, with no matches being played between the likes of FC Horrorhorse, Real Lesbos and Sporting Jizzmonsters. UEFA admit that not enough teams actually signed up to make the Europa League viable.
JANUARY: The FA bans players from using Twitter after Rio Ferdinand tweets during a match, an FA Cup third round tie against Rotherham. Ferdinand uses his mobile phone as his opponents get ready to take a corner, tweeting "Should clear this one easily, their centre forward's useless". But as he presses send, Rotherham take the corner quickly and score.
FEBRUARY: Liverpool are STILL unable to sell unwanted striker Andy Carroll and finally end up flogging him to a local glue factory for £150, a fraction of what they paid for him. The player is said to be resigning himself to the fact that he will be killed and melted down, agreeing that he is an awful, awful excuse for a footballer.
MARCH: It is revealed that clubs have been buying and selling players outside of the rules throughout the season by using shady offshore transfer windows based in the Caribbean and Luxembourg. The game's ruling bodies simply haven't noticed and clubs have been fielding new signings in false moustaches and claiming that they're youth team graduates.
APRIL: Cardiff announce that they're partly bringing back the team's traditional blue shirts, but combining them with the new red colour, unveiling a shirt that looks exactly like that of Barcelona. They also announce a plan to change the club's name to Carcelona and play in the Spanish fourth division.
MAY: The Premier League reveal that the traditional league table will be scrapped from next season. It will be replaced by a pink, glutinous ball, a bit like a giant testicle made from blancmange. Instead of winning points, teams will earn weight, and the first one to the middle of the pink ball will be league champions. A Premier League spokesman says: "We're not sure if it'll work but it's innovative so we're going for it".