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GTA V review!

Reviewing a GTA game is a bit like trying to review China. Where do you start with something so complex, morally ambiguous, intimidatingly open and just goddam plain old stupid huge?

So we’ll start by ticking off the things we don’t like. It takes too long to earn money. You can invest in the stock market, pimp your ride, buy properties and get suited and booted in swanky stores, but half your big ticket missions don’t earn you dollar one. So you can’t do stuff you want to. This is silly. 

Once you’ve splashed all your cash sprucing up your motor, it’ll arbitrarily get impounded, or a family member will bugger off with it. There’s a properly icky torture scene that you can’t skip. Flying is difficult. 

And well, that’s it. Because the rest of GTA V is impossibly, accolade-hooveringly, grin/chops/slap good. Introducing three playable characters is a thing of genius, as you follow Michael, Franklin and Trevor’s stories, playing through missions tailored to their particular timeline. Hot swapping between your man on the ground, your man providing sniper cover fire and your man dropping off and picking up in his helicopter is gaming genius, and brings a great new angle to GTA.

And you’re going to love Trevor. Psychotic, incendiary, cruel but also charismatic, endearing and just strangely quirky, he’s one of the best-written character’s we’ve ever played, certainly one of the most complex. And boy, does he have an entrance. 

It’s funny. Laugh out loud, your-missus-comes-piling-in-wondering-why-you’re-giggling-like-a-deranged-chimp funny. There are missions (usually including the imbibing of drugs) that are batshit bonkers and San Andreas county is a truly incredible artistic and technical achievement.

And over and above that, sorry, but that’s all we’re going to say. It’s just one of those games you want to put into people’s hands with a wink and a sly smile that says: “Trust us. You’re going to like it,” while spoiling nothing. 

Oh, and the score? This is the very gaming definition of a five-star achievement. You would be soft in the head not to want to play this. Really. 

Plus! Tune in tomorrow for our Girl Got Game GTA special! It’s a Girl Got GTA, and it’s not one to miss!