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GTA V's ten best bits!

Video: GTA V's ten best bits!

Lucy's in raptures this week as she gets her greedy mitts on GTA V – probably the most anticipated game of the year. Does she like it? No. She loves it more than she loves showing off her beautiful curves in Nuts magazine (ie, a lot).

Morning chaps! I’m Lucy Collett, with a warm welcome to a very special Girl Got Game. Because after signing away our souls, our first born and our eyebrows, last week a man arrived on a bike with the all-new GTA game. So we’ve spent seven days holed up in front of the flat screen, caning GTA five like we’re hoovering up virtual crack. And it’s similarly moorish. It’s the most anticipated game of the year, and we’ve played it to the end. So this week, it’s Girl Got GTA! And here are the ten essential things you need to know about Rockstar’s new gaming opus. 

1 There are missions, lots of them!

First things first. Even though there are now three characters to play – Michael, Franklin and Trevor – the game’s essentially the same. You steal motors, then pile around Los Santos, finding and launching missions. The meat and potatoes of your GTA experience, these are fun, inspired and sometimes very silly. And include such diverse challenges as drug running, kidnapping and completing a yoga mission!

2 Meet your three, new chaps! 

So you play as all-new GTA chaps Michael – ageing bank robber, now in witness relocation, Franklin – hustling car repro man from South Central Los Santos and Trevor – bat shit mental ex-special ops fruit loop. And play through their three stories through individual, tailored missions. Then once all three are available, you can play them in heists.

3 The heists are amazing!

Planned by limping geek and co-conspirator Lenny, this is where hot-swapping between your boys really shines as they each bring different skills to bear in these big ticket events. You’ll need to plan and prepare them, recruiting a crew and acquiring support materials, then go to town as you rinse high end jewellers, kidnap perps and take down big banks.  

4 Strangers And Freaks!

These are queer bonus missions dotted around the map, and are universally weird. So in one, Michael meets a man trying to legalise marijuana, which ends up with him hallucinating his tits off, and taking down waves of imaginary aliens with a chain gun. Trevor meets a sinister, celebrity-stalking OAP couple and you deliver people to the local cult. But we won’t spoil those! 

5 Customise everything!

Each character is given a motor (or you can buy swish whips) and now you can really go to town, spunking your cash on paint jobs, engine upgrades and lippy spoilers. Plus, of course you can buy new outfits at shops both budget and high end, (I have an eternally sharp-suited crew. Why? Just because, okay?). Also, guns are now customisable, with bigger clips, silencers, better scopes and whatnot. 

6 San Andreas is huge!

The playable area, we’re told, is bigger than Red Dead Redemption, GTA San Andreas and GTA IV put together. But the genius here is that it doesn’t actually feel that way. It’s never a chore to ride through any area, and there is always something to do. If you’re not on a mission, tiny tasks will blip up, including intervening in hold-ups, securing stolen goods, even rescuing a naked and bound stag do bloke!

7 And beautiful!

You have to hand it to Rockstar, the irrefuted, blockbuster star of this game is the world itself. It’s enormous, jaw-flooringly beautiful and never anything than compelling. You really can lose hours just driving around, taking it all in, or playing darts, bicycle rides, tennis, golf, yoga, BASE jumping, watching movies, scuba diving, etc, etc, etc.

8 Love and hate!

This being a GTA game, the whole spectrum of human interaction is here. So you can go to a strip club, and get a “handsy” lap dance from a nice lady. Play your cards right with compliments and – most importantly – don’t get caught getting touchy feely by the bouncers and you could take her home. Then, a blink later, you find yourself torturing some poor chump with pliers, electric crocodile clips and waterboarding in a fairly icky, unskippable mission. 

9 A teddy bear gets raped!

You can probably guess whodunit, but a cut scene opens with a cute little teddy bear – Mister Raspberry Jam – sporting ladies undies, who’s been eye-socket violated, very obviously by one of the characters. Including a happy ending. Poor Mister Raspberry Jam!

10 It’s a bit good

You know when you were watching the trailers, you closed your eyes and did a quiet, little prayer to the gods of gaming that this would be every bit as good as you hoped it would? Well. It’s that thing. Amazingly, this is as good as we hoped, and if there’s a better game this year, then spank my bottom and call me French!

So that’s it. Ten essential things about GTA. But the one essential thing you need to take away is how you really, really really, really-really need to get this game. Tune in next week, when Girl Got Game will answer more of your Twitter questions. Until then, I’ve been Lucy Collett and this has been your Girl Got GTA special. See you!